Stanley Tuesday for Prime Minister?
Shit, cunt and piss
flaps. Terrorism, enhanced political correctness and more crap jobs for cunts.
Since New Labour have been given another four years to shit on Britain and
there's not a lot we can do about it, I have decided to take over the country.
So, in 2009, you will all vote for me, Stanley Tuesday to be your overlord and
ruler, forever. I have completed a manifesto that I may or may not alter along
the way. As untimely as it is, I just hadn't got around to finally uploading
this until now. Also, recently on
The Forum,
there was a grossly ignored post regarding my appointment as premiere of the
United Kingdom. The manifesto in no particular order of importance:
Mandatory abortions for everyone.
Asylum seekers to be re-dubbed "Cuntrats" and ritually burned on Anglesey.
People of Irish descent forced to clean anything and everything at all times.
Fern Cotton's voice to be revoked.
Matthew Wright's face revoked.
Tax incentives for people who drink and drive on pavements in Manchester and
Scotland.
All Bedingfield family members to be placed in a tiny cage armed only with a
fork each. Then forced to fight to the death for the benefit of Saturday
afternoon television. Same with the Neville brothers and similarly; Vernon Kay
to fork self to death in the name of hilarity.
Students and wankers are permitted to only ONE impersonation of Peter Kay,
Little Britain, Ali G, League Of Gentlemen or Family Guy per annum.
Anyone found with downloaded ring tones for mobile telephones to be handed on
the spot fines of £50.
Anyone found with "Is This The Way To Amarillo", that tweety bird song or that
fucking detestable Crazy frog as a ring tone to be violently dismembered in
front on their family.
All foreign food produced within the British Isles to be liquidised and injected
into the arse of Geri Halliwell.
People who type "lol, meh or lmao" and use emoticons all the time to be banned
from using the Internet and presented naked to the people who populate the Sex
Offenders Register.
Double taxes for people who claim to be bisexual. You're either one or the
other, stop trying to show off and be modern, you fucking cunts. You probably
have those tacky oriental tattoos as well. Treble taxes for those.
People who rate Radiohead above any other band to be rolled up in a carpet and
smoked.
Shite celebrities who appear on "I love *insert year*", "Top 100 Greatest
*insert redundant genre* of all time" or appear in "An Audience With Bruce
Forsyth" to smoke the aforementioned carpet containing Radiohead fans.
That disheartening grey area that forms immediately after the end of Neighbours
and ends at the start of Coronation Street to be replaced with Live Snakes Vs
Patrick Kielty each night. In the event of him dying, the next contender from
the Hall Of Cunts* to be placed in the ring.
BBC 1's "Question Time" to be halved in duration and all opaque-minded opinions
to be quashed. Anyone that squeals out the tired "WE SHOULD SPEND MONEY ON
SCHOOLS AND HOSPITALS" notion, just so they're clapped and agreed with is to be
ignored and put back in the Trisha audience where they belong. They will
be applauded for anything there, anyway. Anyone caught applauding "WE SHOULD
SPEND MORE ON SCHOOLS AND HOSPITALS" statements to be hit with a hammer.
Three times. In the teeth.
U2's Bono to pay for schools and hospitals as punishment for whining about shit
we don't really care about. (I'm aware he's not British - we'll get around that
with threats of kneecapping).
Work to extend the Channel Tunnel underneath the UK and come out in Ireland
(instead of Kent) to begin as soon as possible.
Food enthusiasts culled. You're not
being cultured by talking about it. Just fucking eat it and shut up.
Rubbish cities such as Preston, Sunderland and Stirling to be re-dubbed as towns
once again.
Scottish and Welsh people to be refused own parliaments or given back all their
politicians that tend to fester in England.
National Lottery money profits prohibited for Scotland and Wales.
Under no circumstances will any political impressionists to be televised ever.
They are drastically unfunny and we have too many of them. Alistair McGowan's
outstayed his unwelcome and Rory Bremner's only as funny as the people he
impersonates.
I dislike Shane Ritchie. He'll also be publicly flogged. Too many people like
him and his head's ballooned obesely like only the head of a Daz doorstep
dickdipper's head can.
TV licence to be spent wisely. BBC 1 and 2 to remain only. All extra BBC
channels to be removed due to the blatant fact that they're stretching out one
long sock of shite and no longer providing any decent television across all
seven hundred of their channels.
All snooker matches to be best out of three, maximum.
Football hooliganism promoted for matches abroad.
Tim Henman forced to apologise for being very shit in winning at tennis.
Bob Geldof - fuck off!
Feel free to add you own submissions or anything else on the
forums.
Fund me, at least I'm not Kilroy.