Our Survey Said...?
After conducting a survey while trotting around a busy shopping centre near Wakefield, I have good news and bad news to report. The good news is that I have decided to publish the results of the aforementioned survey. The bad news is that this article contains the words "Linda" and "Barker".
So, here it is. The biggest survey since the Daily Mail's "Would you rather spend your money on asylum and terrorism or hospitals and the cure for cancer?" Things you'd rather put your dick inside, instead of Claire Sweeney:
Out of a total of 2,371 people who took the survey, a small, yet not inconsiderable 1% of you would understandably fuck your hand instead.
2% of you would consider placing your member in a George Foreman - Lean, Mean, Grilling Machine.
3% would prefer to penetrate a blown-up poster of Linda Barker with scissor holes cut in the vaginal, mouth and eye areas.
5% of you would rather dick George Foreman.
10% of you would prefer to lunge yourself inside one of those tacky contraptions the Blue Peter presenters suggest you make out of old bog rolls and coat hangers.
11% of you controversially think putting yourself inside some children would be more rewarding. Well, it is in Yorkshire.
12% of you think Chris Eubank's nostrils/nose would suffice.
14% say they would rather mount an old, rusting Ford Cortina.
17% of you would bone a bulldog licking piss off a thistle.
Finally, 25% of you. Yes, a whole quarter of you would much prefer to fuck a brand new De Longhi toaster.
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In the kingdom of the bland, it's nine o' clock on ITV