PATIENCE LOST
I've just been in an interview with a large American TV company about me
entertaining the
prospect of writing a successful drama-cum-Sci-Fi series to be shown
internationally. This is how it went:
HBUM:
Umm...hello? How can I help you?
Me: Hello. I would like to propose an idea to
you, if I may.
HBUM: Is it a reality show based on what
would happen to Ashton Kutcher if he had to work as an undertaker or an embalmer
for 6 months in the middle of Arkansas?
Me: No.
HBUM: Is it a reality show based on what
would happen to Ben Stiller if he had to work as an undertaker or an embalmer
for 4 months in the middle of Wyoming?
Me: No.
HBUM: Oh. Well...
Me: I present to you:
Patience Lost. First, I'll talk you through the characters I've
chosen for my show.
HBUM: Hmm. Ok...
Me: First off, we have Doctor Mainheroguy.
He's a tall, good looking Chippendale'esque plank who plays a doctor. He can
also tell you everything about planes and probably solve any problem that anyone
ever has. He can't act, but that doesn't matter. We'll cover that up with
dramatic music and he can just husk his voice up a bit. We can get his to stare
stony-faced into the distance sometimes to build up some atmosphere. First name
can be Jock. Or maybe Todd or Josh? Actually, Jack. Jack sounds a
bit like Jock, doesn't it but more masculine and mainstream.
Then we've got Ms. Tokenskirt.
Obviously she also has to be good looking. Stands around, looking pretty with
perfect make up and nice hair after the crash or weeks of malnourishment,
sleepless nights and general wear and tear. We can get her to fall in love
with the Doc and play submissively into his hands with her pretty doe eyes and
complete dependency on the hero. She wont be able to act either but the idiots
watching wont care because
it's a love story and idiots can't seem to get enough of that kind of shit. Plus, she's got a good body, so we can lure in some
Neanderthals to watch it, even if it is just for the bikini scenes.
HBUM: Well...err...
Me: AHEM!
We now need some other characters. Let's chuck a few clichés and stereotypes in
so we don't have to come up with anything clever in our writing. Idiots
find retarded plot-twists much easier to stomach when it's dished out like this.
Let's have, say ..... an Iraqi terrorist suspect who
people feel they should mistrust at first but in the end, we'll make him out as
a saint. Actually, let's make him actually a terrorist. A bit of idiotic
controversy never harmed Gary Glitter, did it? Ok. A
skinny geek in a shitty rock band trying to do an English accent?
Check. A hideous, fat kid with a heart of gold?
Check. Numerous other set-filler, beautiful people who make the acting on
Byker Grove look Oscar-bound? Check. Hapless Oriental
couple who resent needing the help of Americans? Check.
Token black people? Check. A
racist, angry, chauvinistic bloke who doesn't like
anyone else and pisses everyone off at all times? Check. We can throw a few more
good looking people in who can't act to fill the gaps. You can never have enough
of those. We'll throw in some tedious scenarios for them to fanny about with in
between our two favourite characters and their love affair.
HBUM: Ok, that sounds well thought out. What
else you got?
Me: Ok, now for a story. Let's do it about a
plane crashing in a jungle.
HBUM: Hmm. Hasn't that been done before.
Me: Desert island with amazing beaches?
HBUM: Brilliant! But what's the story?
Me: Oh, who cares about that? We'll just crash the
plane, get some good effects to carry us through and get all our crappy actors
to shout at each other and argue over inane bullshit like whether someone can
speak French or not. Sort of like "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here"
but with less substance but thankfully less cunts. I've an idea on how we can cover up some of the woeful
acting too. Whenever anyone asks someone else a question, we'll make sure the
askée takes an average of 3.5 seconds to respond to the asker. That way, we can
fuck about with some more dramatic background music and fancy camera work while
they gain some composure to talk. Then we'll chuck some monsters n' shit about
the place to eat people and whatnot. And maybe a French person.
HBUM: Sounds like another episode of X-Files.
Me: Yeah? People liked X-Files.
HBUM: Good point, let's make it. Holy
shit! I actually think you have just re-invented television.
Me: I know. Thanks.
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Reviews:
Jonathon Woss says:
When you get patht the cwaptacular acting, the waughably childish stowy
stwucture and the obvious steweotypes, you'll wealise that it's just another
typical Hollywood kid-flick. Anyone over 16 (in years of age or IQ) need
not bother. It's a beginning-to-end shitfest with acting that doesn't even
merit being comically bad like in Neighbours or
Orca:
Killer Whale
Basicawwy, it's Dawson's cweek with double budget. Weally, weally wubbish,
SHITtoss cwap.
Stanley Tuesday says:
Apparently you're meant to gain an interest in the characters and what's
happened to them in the past. However, after an hour of watching this you'll
realise how transparent and clichéd the plastic actor's characters are.
All this unlined by their attempts at trying to do a whole range of stupid
accents.
"But what do the numbers mean?"
I hear you ask and all is revealed below. It's quite simple, really.
The numbers are to be taken in
sequence so you can figure out what to do:
Looking for information on 4-8-15-16-23-42? Some rapist's used these to become a millionaire. Sorry.