Love Actually
Happy February 14th, fuck face. No Valentine's gifts? No Valentine's cards? No point in breathing? Fear not, there is a solution. There's also a cost. You'd better keep that option of not breathing open.
On a similar plain to the previous Teenage Cam Girls issue, I have further researched the phenomenon that is; Internet sex. Also, the fact that Russian people can be bought and married on the Internet along with the yellow people. You can probably buy a load to pack tomatoes in hot greenhouses for £200 per annum or mop up hairy shit in public lavatories. However, for the moment, we'll stick to the notion that people buy them for love and companionship.
Trawling round the pages of http://bride.ru/, I have found some interesting specimens. I'm unsure (due to lack of research and effort) exactly how this site works but I'm pretty sure you have to pay the web masters money to be able to contact the people who feature on there.
Take Madam Manhead, here:
What she guzzles is anyone's guess, but I bet there's petrol in it. £3.50 - tops.
Then there's this one:
I hope some has the decency to super, Supersize™ her immediately. I've got pubes heavier than that. Hope it's a 2-4-1 deal. 70p.
Then from a country where they worship hot air balloons as gods, we have Natalia:
The face that ceased a thousand sex crimes. She wouldn't need a rape alarm with those teeth, eh? We'll call it a fiver, tops.
Naturally not everyone on there is worth paying for and there is a free section. The bargain bin, if you will. Here's one I found earlier in aforementioned bin:
Hi, I'm Tim Healy. I like fishing, Newcastle United and ANAL!
Ok, so I'm being a little bit cruel and sexist you may think, but all is to be levelled out once I reveal to you some of the keen gentlemen of this website. Some of them look like rapists, some of them look like Star Trek enthusiasts and some of them just have no idea at all. Observe:
Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be VIRTUAL ELTON!
Alright, Chris...where did you bury the little girls?
Do not address me as Daniel. The name is :::dArK LoRd::: ...! Hit me up on AIM!
Billy Bob Maxwell here likes a-rapin', likes a-shootin' and likes rodeo. "Columbine youth never been so darn, tootin' disciplined!"
Lock up your daughters. And their daughters. And anything dead. This bloke keeps all his dead ex-wives in bed with him.
No, no NO! Personality first...THEN orgasm face. How many times, Robert?
...and on the eighth day, God created THE FACE!
Bud, any idea where the cat went?
Good luck, Sergio. Good luck.
Newsflash: Paycheque feud causes fourth Chuckle Brother to quit.
"Ho! Ho! Ho! Now tickle my spuds or you're getting coal again next year, you little shit."
Well, as we are nearing the end of another chapter, why not indulge yourselves in a little tomfoolery before your bedtime wank? The Coronation Street Drinking Game: Each time Sally from Coronation Street mutters something about "THE GURRRLS", dispatch an entire vat of Domestos™ down your throat and throw yourself downstairs backwards.