No Use For A Title
Nothing goes
together more fittingly than a shit, a shave and then a shower.
Except, of course, boy bands and paedophiles. Whether they're luring young
kids
with posters of boy bands, pretending to know a boy band while chatting over the
Internet or maybe even marketing their own boy band for money making schemes and
sexual relief (under oath), paedophiles are always involved, somewhere along the
line.
"Hi, I'm Jonathan King-O'Boyes and I'm an eccentric multi-millionaire pop
producer/"guru" for a highly lucrative record label. By eccentric, I mean
I'm a
fucking PAEDOPHILE. You can tell by the style of glasses I'm wearing and
the incommodious staring eyes that hunger for the innocent naive ones. I just
love young boys and you will too. I present to you my newest conquest.
A boy band that are quite hip and cool and own their own instruments. Here
are J-20. Three musically inept fifteen year olds with ginger hair.
It's a scream, baby! Bye bye Busted, Many thanks, McFly and go fuck
yourselves, Good Charlotte because J-20 are going to rock your socks baby!
Yeah!"
Victim
1: Fake bassist and lead singer. Probably named something repugnant
such as "Corey" or a name created from two consonants - "A.Z". Refers to
everything as "neat" or "pants" and emphasises the word "totally" in every
sentence. Corey is a whopping 6 feet and 7 inches tall and wears bright
yellow corduroy to appear quirky and whacky. Corey will be caught up in
alcohol and drug abuse within five years.
Upside? Will
be invited on to "Never Mind The Buzzcocks" and wont understand the jokes aimed
at
him and his pitiful band.
Victim 2: The biggest victim and also the goofy looking drummer. Couldn't pull a girl with handles on without the band and receives only 1.7% of the overall band fan mail. All of it written tirelessly by manager and promoter; King-O'Boyes. Unfortunately for him, his obscurity in this ruthless world of exploitation and greed will lessen his confidence, thus causing him likely to be the first to cop a barrage of sexual abuse from his rabid, perverted mentors.
Upside? When your career is shat down the toilet with the excess paedo-semen, you can always summon a lawsuit and gain some money for your early retirement. Self Esteem 1 - 1 Bank Balance (A.E.T).
Victim 3: The quiet one. Plays guitar. Doesn't actually play guitar but holds onto one while dancing around and looking nerdy. Token heart-throb virgin. Up until some run-of-the-mill, balloon titted, media-whore shoves all of him up her cunt to sell copies of The Sun, around Christmas time.
Upside? Solo career possible and a cameo appearance in Coronation Street in ten years time as someone's gay, long absent brother.
J-20's new album "Wow, Cool, Neato!" is out in no good record shops now. Just in places like Woolworths where the only real need for anyone to go in there is to steal from the Pick n' Mix area.
Track list:
1. Hot For Teacher.
2. Homework Totally Sucks.
3. The Girl Who Sat Next To Me In French, Once.
4. Look Mom! (I have a Skateboard)
5. Text Me Your Love.
6. Here Comes The Head Teacher. (Oh No!)
7. Summer Break.
8. Paperboy.
9. Stayin' Up Late (Bank Holiday, WOO!)
10. Nazi Punks, Fuck Off (B-side cover)
Disclaimer: The character "Jonathan King-O'Boyes" was probably not based on anyone in particular. Especially not an actual real man who places his fingers in young boy's anuses.
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