Big Brother
What does it take to be a contestant on Big Brother?
Do you have to be funny? No.
Do you have to be good looking? Perhaps... sometimes.
Do you have to be talented or at least interesting? Not at all.
Infact all you have to be is a minority. Basically - a weirdo. Either that, or a complete cunt. I saw a bit of it the other night and predicted next years contestants. Here is a rundown on what you should expect to see in future Big Brother's or perhaps the current one.
I'm Delores, but my nickname is Fluffy. I'm a jumped up, opinionated femi-nazi with nothing worth saying. DARE ANYONE to deny my chance to tell everyone what to do and I will climb on the roof and swear a lot. What the fuck are you looking at you racist? Haven't you seen a LESBIAN BEFORE? Bastard!
I am Trudy. I am an overweight, unspeakably common, ill-educated Northerner. I add gritty realism to the show after consuming an unfair share of the weeks supply of White Lightning. If people are having an intelligent conversation, I merely shriek over the top of them to let them know I'm still here. I cry the most often and don't understand anything deeper than the content of Heat magazine.
I'm Precious. No really, that's my actual name. I'm a thrice failed Pop Idol loser that can't adapt to the fact that's I'm a talentless clone and a failed one, at that. I sing ALL THE FUCKING TIME because Trudy says I am good at it. I can't wait to get out of here and launch a horrible RnB album.
I'm Greg, the token UBERGAY homosexual squealing bimbo. I refer to everyone as "girl" and sister and scream unnecessarily about everything.
I'm Lee. I am the other homosexual contestant. Why's HE in here? I hate him. My whole existence in here is dedicated to being much gayer than Greg, for attention and respect that I so rightly deserve for being a homosexual.
Yo! I'm Tucu. Yeah brother, that's right. It's short for TUKOOL. I'm black and naturally quirky like ALL black people must be to be on television. I have "riddim" and I am great in bed, yo?
I am Tim, a pseudo-intellectual undergraduate that can't help but bore everyone with poorly researched facts about science. Did you know that ants don't sleep? Did you care?
Alright? I'm Dave. I'm a middle manager from Worksop. I am married and have a son.
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Geordie: WHO GOOOOORRRRS? YOUUW DECEEEEEEDE!
Davina McCall: Update! Update! OhMyGodOhMyGodUPDATE! Dave has been controversially voted off by default for being too normal! OhMyGodOhMY! He is to be replaced by a Chinese-Aboriginal, paraplegic, transvestite with multiple sclerosis and a Scottish accent.
Then there is the text option for simpletons who can't go out due to their curfew. They get to text in along the lines of a given topic and have their pocket money taxed to have their chance at fifteen minutes of fame. Their name in lights. On the television. They get to make a point to potentially millions who are reading them. The result:
That's twice I've updated this site in one week. I'm off for a big wank and to watch the highlights of a disappointing England team - trying to beat Japan.